Tag: parenting

Legitimacy Must be Earned, For Teachers and Even for Parents

My students always have the right to expect a reasonable answer from me to their questions. Even the hard ones that don’t have to do with the subject at hand: things like, “why do I have to learn this, I’m not going to be an engineer?” It’s part of authoritative (not authoritarian) teaching. Students have a right to wonder why they’re doing what they’re doing. It keeps me on my toes; considering if there’s a good reason for doing what we’re doing. It helps them to see how to make a rational argument — and sets, by implication, a high bar for the quality of their arguments. I also figure that if I’m respectful to them, and share my reasoning, they’re more likely to go with my decisions voluntarily, even if they don’t particularly like them.

And it seems that same approach also applies to parenting. A study (Trinkner et al., 2012) finds that adolescents respect and defer to their parents only to the extent that they see their parents as being fair, considerate and respectful of them. When kids believe that their parents’ decisions are legitimate, they are more likely to obey them. Conversely,

… authoritarian parenting was negatively associated with parental legitimacy.

— (Trinkner et al., 2012): Don’t trust anyone over 30: Parental legitimacy as a mediator between parenting style and changes in delinquent behavior over time, in Journal of Adolescence.

The way to earn legitimacy is by being authoritative not authoritarian (as described by Baumrind’s parenting styles).

… authoritative parents are warm and responsive, providing their children with affection and support in their explorations and pursuit of interests. These parents have high maturity demands (e.g., expectations for achievement) for their children but foster these [through] communication, induction (i.e., explanations of their behavior), and encouragement of independence. For example, when socializing their children (e.g., to do well in school), these parents might provide their children with a rationale for their actions and priorities (e.g., “it will allow you to succeed as an adult.”). Authoritative parents score high on measures of warmth and responsiveness and high on measures of control and maturity demands…

— Spera, 2005, A Review of the Relationship Among Parenting Practices, Parenting Styles, and Adolescent School Achievement in Educational Psychology Review.

It also turns out that authoritarian, “because I told you to” parents were most likely to have delinquent, disobedient kids.

Adolescents Versus Their Brains

The part of the brain responsible for logic and reasoning is slow to develop compared to the rest during our adolescence. As a result, adolescents are driven way too much by their emotions and instincts. This means that a lot of the time someone else, teachers and parents usually, have to provide that rationality for them, and help them develop those thinking skills for themselves.

That, at least, was my take-home message after reading David Walsh’s excellent book Why Do They Act That Way. He does an excellent job explaining how the brain develops during adolescence, how it affects the way teenagers behave, and some of the best approaches to dealing with it.

There are a lot of excellent details about how brain development interacts with hormones to create many of the behaviors we find typical of teenagers. Since puberty proceeds differently for girls and boys, Walsh also highlights the differences in the timing of development, and the contrasting results of the different hormones released.

Yet, he also recognizes that adolescent behavior is not solely the result of biology. The effects of neurological and hormonal changes are amplified in industrial societies where kids spend less time with parents, and more time with peers, than in non-WIERD cultures (see The Myth of Adolescent Angst) which leads into his approach to dealing with teens.

To address this unfortunate combination of nature and culture, Walsh advocates a structured approach to parenting, where rules are clear, reasonable, and enforced. This, however, needs to be balanced with the need to keep lines of communication open, which is not an easy trick. Teenagers will want to push you away, but it’s necessary to keep connected to them anyway.

He also emphasizes the need for mentoring good behavior and rational thinking, because, as we’ve seen before, while the developing pre-frontal cortex provides the capacity for formal thinking, it needs practice and training to work well. And, after all, two of the key things we ultimately look for in adults are self-control and the ability to think rationally.

This book is an extremely useful read for parents and teachers (though the first chapter is a bit slow for the impatient). It does a great job of explaining how biology affects behavior, and how to deal with them. I particularly like fact that Walsh has found that teens find it useful to know all this biology stuff too, and it affects how they behave.