My students always have the right to expect a reasonable answer from me to their questions. Even the hard ones that don’t have to do with the subject at hand: things like, “why do I have to learn this, I’m not going to be an engineer?” It’s part of authoritative (not authoritarian) teaching. Students have a right to wonder why they’re doing what they’re doing. It keeps me on my toes; considering if there’s a good reason for doing what we’re doing. It helps them to see how to make a rational argument — and sets, by implication, a high bar for the quality of their arguments. I also figure that if I’m respectful to them, and share my reasoning, they’re more likely to go with my decisions voluntarily, even if they don’t particularly like them.
And it seems that same approach also applies to parenting. A study (Trinkner et al., 2012) finds that adolescents respect and defer to their parents only to the extent that they see their parents as being fair, considerate and respectful of them. When kids believe that their parents’ decisions are legitimate, they are more likely to obey them. Conversely,
… authoritarian parenting was negatively associated with parental legitimacy.
— (Trinkner et al., 2012): Don’t trust anyone over 30: Parental legitimacy as a mediator between parenting style and changes in delinquent behavior over time, in Journal of Adolescence.
The way to earn legitimacy is by being authoritative not authoritarian (as described by Baumrind’s parenting styles).
… authoritative parents are warm and responsive, providing their children with affection and support in their explorations and pursuit of interests. These parents have high maturity demands (e.g., expectations for achievement) for their children but foster these [through] communication, induction (i.e., explanations of their behavior), and encouragement of independence. For example, when socializing their children (e.g., to do well in school), these parents might provide their children with a rationale for their actions and priorities (e.g., “it will allow you to succeed as an adult.”). Authoritative parents score high on measures of warmth and responsiveness and high on measures of control and maturity demands…
— Spera, 2005, A Review of the Relationship Among Parenting Practices, Parenting Styles, and Adolescent School Achievement in Educational Psychology Review.
It also turns out that authoritarian, “because I told you to” parents were most likely to have delinquent, disobedient kids.